It's impossible. I can't. The criticism was too great. The haters hate too heavily. They said I was fake. They laughed at me. Talked among themselves. My accusers were many. The onslaught wouldn't stop. I am not capable. It's not important. It wasn't effective. Who am I kidding? I thought I could fight it and win... I can't. I thought I was secure and confident enough to handle it. I wasn't. I won't.
These are just a few of the many voices I have listened to for approximately two years. Now God is doing more than calling me... He is pushing me...compelling me with an irresistible strength and I am feeling the force of that push. I must continue in this. I have allowed myself to wallow in the "I Can't" long enough. I can't even begin to tell you the path my mind has taken to try and push this aside. It just won't go away. So here I am, two years later, beginning again and continuing this blog. I can!... and I will. What more criticism could come my way? I have faced it, stared it down and let it pause me, but I refuse to let it stop me. There have been hurdles, some of which I didn't clear, but I can't lay down what God has commanded me to pick up. I don't want to leave behind an unfinished task. Ironic that I can come out so boldly against something that has the power to stop me from doing the very thing that is my God-calling. It is often said that nothing has power over you that you don't allow. I understand that statement in theory, but criticism does have power on its own. Words hurt and kill. No one is exempt from being affected. The pause button was definitely pushed but I have found the power to punch it back on! The punch was a forceful one with a "TAKE THAT" behind it!
The experiences I have been privileged to have the opportunity and time to overcome have taught me so much about myself, but I am now thankful for the criticism and the accusation. I may have fallen from the call but I still hear it. God was not stopped by the criticism. His power in me was in no way diminished. I personally chose to stop. With that acknowledgement, I now know that I have the power to persevere and I can get back up and stand in the face of adversity, even though I may stumble and actually fall. While I didn't fall into sin, I did choose to turn aside from the calling placed upon my life. I didn't walk away from it, but I took awhile getting back up.
Never think for an instant there won't be a price to pay if you acknowledge a call. Know that it will be worth the price and you will not be forsaken in the journey up the hill as you take up your cross. The journey has been long and wearisome but God walked beside me. I knew the moment the attack became personal that I was on to something big. What I didn't know, was that in the midnight hour, when I was at my weakest, more assault would come. I didn't know the voices wouldn't stop. I did not understand that I would not be protected from an onslaught of proportions beyond what I knew how to overcome. I have sat and been silent and contemplated and learned a most expensive lesson.
For the next few posts I will attempt to share what I have learned. There will be a price to pay when you say I CAN! There will be a voice that tells you "YOU CAN'T". You will be given time to decide if you want to continue paying the price. You will be given the power to overcome. There will be scars, there will be relationships lost. There will be broken trust. There will be heart-pain beyond which you think you can endure. But in the end you will know every aspect of Philippians 4:13. You will know how to be abased and how to abound. You will understand how to be full and hungry at the same time. You will abound as you suffer need. You will survive. You will come to know a resounding voice that says, "I am still calling you to what I have given you strength to do."
Two years later, Lesson Learned! "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."
1 comment:
Love reading your blog!
Post a Comment